Have you ever tried being your own mother-in-law?
For the next 15 minutes, suppose that you take your daughter-in-law's place, and see if you like yourself.
Do you remember when you were first married and you didn't quite know all about housekeeping? Do you recall how embarrassed you became when things didn't work out—perhaps at a family dinner—as you thought they should? Do you still feel the smart of that sarcastic re mark or the chill of a frigid silence that was meant as a rebuke?
It is hard—isn't it?—to keep in mind that your child is not only yours now, but also belongs to someone else, having a new relationship and responsibility to carry out as a husband. But one must keep that in mind.
"Wait until you're asked," is said to be a good policy to follow. It means not only in visiting the newlyweds uninvited, but also in offering unsolicited advice. Of course, if they live with you that's not another story but the same one with emphasis.
"That's all very true," more than one mother- in-law will say, "but I want my child to be happy. How can I sit back and watch things go wrong when I can so easily put them right?" That's a good time to stop to think. Don't you remember how you resented interference, how you had to make your mistakes and learn through your own experiences? Or did you?
Do you mind if I tell how a woman I know solved this problem? I think she did it perfectly, even though she had more obstacles than most. Her daughter-in-law would have been an un desirable addition to anyone's family. Conflict ing religious and racial backgrounds were the least of her difficulties. Laziness and slatternly habits were carried to extremes. Besides, a hot temper made the girl almost impossible to live with—yet the mother-in-law and daughter-in- law had to live together. It was a run-away marriage, and the young couple had no other place to go.
Now this mother-in-law made a set of rules— for herself! Placed in a new position, she was sure she had much to learn before she could attempt to give rules to others, even though those others were members of her own family. "I'm not and never was a saint, you know," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. "In fact, I had something in common with my daughter-in-law —temper, which, only because I was older than she, I was better able to control."
Solemnly she handed me a tattered piece of paper and said, "Here are my rules." As I began reading them she went on to say, "They were easy to write—but hard to follow. I also tried constantly to keep in mind the Golden Rule, which was really the foundation of everything I wrote down."
This is what I read, including some of my friends' comments:
1. Never enter the young couple's room without a specific invitation. Anything that needs to be said can wait until the family is together.
2. Never ask prying questions. If the young people want to tell anything, it is a good idea to listen with interest but to hold back unfavorable comments.
3. Honestly praise the daughter-in-law whenever possible. This is best done by trying to see the girl through the son's and husband's eyes, and to see the qualities which made him choose her for his wife.
4. Never criticize the daughter-in-law to the son, nor talk about her to friends or relatives.
5. Ask for divine guidance each day in being a good mother-in-law. This may take months of self-discipline but it pays in rich rewards. This particular mother-in-law saw her son's marriage turn into a completely happy one. Now the young people have a son and a home of their own, which they want to share with "grandma" whenever she wishes it.
Her happiest day came not so long ago when her daughter-in-law said to her, "I hope to bring up my son the way you did yours, and to be loved by his future wife as I love you. I never think or speak of you as my mother-in- law but as my mother-in-heart."
